Monday, April 25, 2011

Breatfeeding Cycles

I'll have one day where breastfeeding gives me some very negative emotions. I've heard how breastfeeding is suposed to release hormones in your body (I think endorphines) that are supposed to make the mother feel attached to her baby. So I know it does something to your hormones, and I believe its just doing the wrong thing! I don't know; some wires are crossed. Seriously, I get so angry. If there were toothpicks laying around to jam under your finger nails, I'd probably do it. Poor Eddie won't even be in the room with me, and, naturally, I usually pump and feed Archie a bottle because of course I don't want to have those feelings about anything he's doing. And so this is how my day will be with me finally yelling this: "EDDIE! I'M DONE! I hate breastfeeding and we're never having any more kids because I refuse to pay for formula." And I give him some already pumped milk from the fridge or freezer, and I go to bed. And the next morning I'm thinking "I can do this. I'm being dramatic. Breastfeeding is great. I can handle the pain." And the cycle begins again, with each progressive day I want to hurt myself more and more until I blow up again. Only to start the breastfeeding again the next day.

So "blow up day" was saturday. Guess whats happening right now? My nipples are being repetitively sucked through a tube and milk is being pulled out in the most unnatural manner. I'll show you a picture if you want to puke.

Anyways, saturday I decided that it was not worth it and knowing this cycle would start again Im trying very hard to not get sucked in. So here is my compromise: I will nurse Archie first thing in the morning and for his late night "dream feed." Thats when hes out of it and tired enough to just eat quietly and pleasantly. Then I will pump 1 time in the middle of the afternoon. Then if he's hungry at any other time (which he will be!) I'll just give him formula. I'm thinking that way my boobies will get a bit of a rest and not feel so overworked. Hopefully, that way, they won't hurt so darn bad all the time. And doing both won't be a problem for Archie. He'll eat whatever you put in his face. He really doesn't care.

Lets also talk about a pet peeve of mine: people saying they "can't" breastfeed. I think the number of people who actually can not is very low. Can't people just admit "I'm opting out." Because thats what I'm doing. Just sort of throwing in the towel. Sometimes I think "Archie is the best. He deserves the best." Then I realize he can really only have the best of one thing: the best most inexpensive milk or the best mommy, who doesn't have a breakdown each time hes hungry. And obviously I'm not going to be a perfect mommy, so I might as well do whatever I can to make myself better.

So as of now, thats what we're doing. Half and half. You just ask me in a couple days what we're doing. It will probably change.

Also, people, I'm not making any claims about the differences between breastmilk or formula. The main issue I've been struggling with is mainly financial. Also, a bit pride. We all know Bree doesn't do much, but what I do do, I finish. And my pregnancy and labor were so easy I feel like I need to deal with something that is bad. Hopefully I can stick with my program. Last night when it wasn't on my schedule to pump, I had to force myself not to because I know how it will end, and its not pretty.

Here are some Archie pictures, so everyone can see how perfect he is. He deserves a happy mom! And, yes, it does make me feel selfish. That, I am good at.


Blogger KEH said...

Bree, this is DISGUSTING!!! Couldn't you just post the photos?!?! You want to know what Archie wants more than your anger-laced breastmilk?? To not have to find this on the internet one day when he's 16. Lord have mercy on us all!

and to make me feel extra gross, the word verification is unial. wtf is that?

April 25, 2011 at 4:45 PM  
Blogger Jessica Havican said...

I did 3/4 breast to 1/4 formula when my daughter was 5 weeks old from full time breast feeding. I got sick and my supply went down, but i didn't have the energy or emotional stability to try and get it back up and over time it just kept diminishing, but I was too lazy to work it back up. Sure some may think I am a bad mom, but my daughter is 14 months and knows about 60 words and is working on her ABC's so I'm pretty sure i didn't screw her up for life. So you are not a bad mom for putting your mental health into consideration.

April 25, 2011 at 6:07 PM  
Blogger Eddie said...

hahahaha Karli! +1

April 25, 2011 at 6:28 PM  
Blogger Megan said...

Bree I think you're doing great to do what you know is best for you. Being a mom is never easy and we have to choose our battles, not all of them are worth fighting. As for the pain, there are things you can do to help relieve it. There are certified lactation consultants that can work with you (some for free) to try and help if you are at the point where you still want to try to fix it. Call me if you want information. If not I totally understand and do not judge. You're a great mom and Archie will turn out great!

April 25, 2011 at 6:35 PM  
Blogger Brett & Sydnie said...

Bree you're awesome! Your honesty makes me happy, and here's a tidbit from my breastfeeding life to make you feel better:

After two appointments with our lactation consultant before Callie turned two weeks old, she called me on my cell and said "I don't think you should see me anymore. I can't help Callie get off the bottle, so just pump and give that to her. Thanks for trying!" Basically, my kid and I failed lactation, so my bff is the pump. Archie is adorable and so chubby so obviously you're doing something right!

April 25, 2011 at 7:05 PM  
Blogger kyle and ila johnson said...

Bree you are awesome. What matters most lasts the longest and that is the love that you have for Archie which will continue to grow as well. I am so glad that you have been blessed with this sweet little boy who is grateful to have you as a mother. You are so lucky. I am glad that Archie has you too. He is very very lucky. Do whats best for you and your family.

April 25, 2011 at 8:02 PM  
Blogger Nickim Edwards said...

Oh Bree! Hang in there- I'll be right beside you in a day or two!!! And P.S. I want his little sweater in pink or purple. I just love it!!

April 26, 2011 at 8:19 AM  
Blogger Gooch Family said...

Bree I'm so sorry it hurts so much! I wish I had some awesome advice, but I don't. I say if it is that hard to try switching to formula like you said. It sure would make for a happier and pain free Momma :) To me, whenever I pumped it hurt more than the real deal b/c it was a lot harder than the baby sucking on them. Maybe not pump as much? Who knows. I hope you can figure it out!

April 26, 2011 at 1:39 PM  
Blogger Lauren said...

Oh man! I can totally relate to this post! I went to the lactation clinic and she just told me to pump and bottle feed but that takes forever and the pump hurts like crazy compared to breastfeeding.
I had to stick it out and just keep trying to make it work. I got larger breastshields for my pump which helped a bit. I still breastfeed Aidan and I worked on increasing my milk supply so I pump an extra bottle about every morning for when I'm in class or want a break etc.
You are amazing! You know what's best for YOU and your baby. Hang in there!

April 26, 2011 at 8:20 PM  

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