Breatfeeding Cycles

I'll have one day where breastfeeding gives me some very negative emotions. I've heard how breastfeeding is suposed to release hormones in your body (I think endorphines) that are supposed to make the mother feel attached to her baby. So I know it does something to your hormones, and I believe its just doing the wrong thing! I don't know; some wires are crossed. Seriously, I get so angry. If there were toothpicks laying around to jam under your finger nails, I'd probably do it. Poor Eddie won't even be in the room with me, and, naturally, I usually pump and feed Archie a bottle because of course I don't want to have those feelings about anything he's doing. And so this is how my day will be with me finally yelling this: "EDDIE! I'M DONE! I hate breastfeeding and we're never having any more kids because I refuse to pay for formula." And I give him some already pumped milk from the fridge or freezer, and I go to bed. And the next morning I'm thinking "I can do this. I'm being dramatic. Breastfeeding is great. I can handle the pain." And the cycle begins again, with each progressive day I want to hurt myself more and more until I blow up again. Only to start the breastfeeding again the next day.

So "blow up day" was saturday. Guess whats happening right now? My nipples are being repetitively sucked through a tube and milk is being pulled out in the most unnatural manner. I'll show you a picture if you want to puke.

Anyways, saturday I decided that it was not worth it and knowing this cycle would start again Im trying very hard to not get sucked in. So here is my compromise: I will nurse Archie first thing in the morning and for his late night "dream feed." Thats when hes out of it and tired enough to just eat quietly and pleasantly. Then I will pump 1 time in the middle of the afternoon. Then if he's hungry at any other time (which he will be!) I'll just give him formula. I'm thinking that way my boobies will get a bit of a rest and not feel so overworked. Hopefully, that way, they won't hurt so darn bad all the time. And doing both won't be a problem for Archie. He'll eat whatever you put in his face. He really doesn't care.

Lets also talk about a pet peeve of mine: people saying they "can't" breastfeed. I think the number of people who actually can not is very low. Can't people just admit "I'm opting out." Because thats what I'm doing. Just sort of throwing in the towel. Sometimes I think "Archie is the best. He deserves the best." Then I realize he can really only have the best of one thing: the best most inexpensive milk or the best mommy, who doesn't have a breakdown each time hes hungry. And obviously I'm not going to be a perfect mommy, so I might as well do whatever I can to make myself better.

So as of now, thats what we're doing. Half and half. You just ask me in a couple days what we're doing. It will probably change.

Also, people, I'm not making any claims about the differences between breastmilk or formula. The main issue I've been struggling with is mainly financial. Also, a bit pride. We all know Bree doesn't do much, but what I do do, I finish. And my pregnancy and labor were so easy I feel like I need to deal with something that is bad. Hopefully I can stick with my program. Last night when it wasn't on my schedule to pump, I had to force myself not to because I know how it will end, and its not pretty.

Here are some Archie pictures, so everyone can see how perfect he is. He deserves a happy mom! And, yes, it does make me feel selfish. That, I am good at.