Ruby Jane

I've been in such disbelief over poor baby Ruby Jane Taylor that I haven't even blogged about it yet. But, its just, I have so many feelings, I just need to share. I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy...

I don't even know where to begin. In H.S., Ani Bewsey Taylor and I would talk about our hopes and dreams for our one day children. Ok, who am I kidding? We'd talk about our hopes and dreams for our future hot husbands. Then, we were each others bridesmaids when we married those hot husbands we dreamt of. Ani (the early adopter and trail blazer) had a perfect baby girl (Kate) a couple years ago. Then, when I found out I was pregnant and I called and told Ani before I even told my previously mentioned hot husband. Ani found out she was pregnant too and we were due 3 days apart. We'd email, text, or call about how it was going and then Ani threw me a baby shower out in CA at her parents home. I talked to my mom on the phone the night Archie was born (she wasn't able to make it on time; Eddie barely made it on time) and she told me she was talking to Ani's mom and that Ani was in the hospital, too. Maybe it was the hormones but I FREAKED OUT. But then, I found out it was a false alarm. So close! But a couple weeks later (Archie was a little early) Ruby Jane was born to Matt and Ani Taylor to be a little sister to Kate.



I'll make a long, but incredibly touching, story short (but I DO suggest you read up!! Go to Ani and Matt Taylor's blog or just google Ruby Jane Taylor). When Ruby was a couple months old they found out she had a serious liver problem and that she would need a transplant to survive much longer. My thoughts were that there was no way this would be a problem. Its freaking 2011 and everyone loves that family anyways. There would be a million livers. Then, in the middle of June, when the problem still hadn't resolved, I made a quick trip to CA with Archie to stay with Ani and Ruby while Matt and Kate were out of town. Before this trip, I'd seen pictures, I knew it was bad, but I wasn't prepared for how I would feel when I looked in Ruby's eyes. One morning, when I was already up with out of control Archie and Ruby was still enjoying her beauty rest, there were 2 times she woke up and I went in her room to make sure Ruby was Ok so Ani could get some sleep. I'm so happy I did. It gave me a second to be alone with Ruby and to feel her spirit. Although, I do sort of feel guilty for stealing that time from her mom.

The day I left CA, I'm fairly certain Ani and I both understood somehow what would happen. Leaving was so hard. I was even tearing up on the airplane. Maybe it was because I was flying JetBlue (TOTALLY KIDDING! I LOVE Jetblue! I'm just trying to cut the tension. I feel uncomfortable with my emotions).

Things quickly started getting more intense and serious, so I called the hospital to volunteer my liver (they needed someone who was small enough that an 8th of the donors liver would fit in a baby. I thought maybe 100 lbs would do it). The coordinator said she didn't want my liver because I'm "not in perfect health" because of my brain injury. Should I be offended? Because I am. I'm pretty sure I barely even get colds. If that makes me feel very inadequate, just imagine what Ani is feeling as Ruby's mom because her liver wouldn't work. Anyone whos got at least 1/50th of a brain knows that its no ones fault that Ani's (or my) liver wouldn't be a perfect fit. I just think Ruby would prefer my questionable liver right now.

So after way too much of a trial thats anyones supposed to deal with (think Job), baby girl Ruby Jane passed away on Aug. 11th.

You know how people say when they recieve bad news they are "numb." Yeah, it totally happened. For 30 seconds there was no feeling what so ever. Then it hit me. I didn't sleep that night. I don't think there are many people who understood how hard it was on me. A) A baby died. B) It was my best friends baby. C) I'm certain I could have helped. D) Can you say Guilty? Archie, same age, is perfectly healthy in every way.

So I went to CA for the service. Stayed with the "other Everson's" in Newport Beach (my Dad's brother's house). Tuesday I went to the service, and I lived another stereotype. You know how people say they can't talk when they're overcome with emotions? Theres a first time for everything, even for this girl who loves to run her mouth. I saw Ani for the first time since everything happened, and we just hugged, and cried. I tried to say "Hi" or ask how she was doing but all that came out was one little squeek. And then saying something seemed too hard. And it seemed so inadequate. What could I say? Apparently a photorapher caught this moment because this showed up in a newspaper article.



Its still tough on me. I know that this baby's work here was done, because there is no way that this would have happened if God wasn't trying to make it end like it did. There were way too many people trying and willing to donate their livers and too many options that were so close to being a match. This was God's plan. Well, part of God's plan. Theres a lot more that I'm sure will still happen, both in this life and in the life to come. Its not like God stepped out for a minute and there was some sudden freak accident he couldn't see coming. This was set in motion since before Ruby was born. I wrote Ani a letter and in it I said that this was a lesson only Ani, Matt, and Ruby could teach. I don't think I emphasized that enough. If it was me, I would lay down in bed and proceed to guilt people into paying for my medical bills. Ani continues to amaze me. Did you know they're starting a bloody non-profit with the goal of "promoting organ donation awareness, enacting legislation to enable families to make informed and educated decisions regarding organ donation, and to raise money to support the cause." I know I signed up to be an organ donor really quick.

Like "Bows for ruby" on FB and bid on the booties I donated:

All proceeds go helping the Taylors pay for Ruby's medical bills.
Go here to donate directly to the family.
Her foundation page is here.

The toughest thing thats happened to me in my life really dims compared to this. Taylors, you have everyone you've ever met (and many you never met) supporting you on this. Love you.

When?

I'm wondering when I became this way...when I started being anxiety ridden and out of control? I have some stress issues. I am completely and utterly addicted to stress. And its not like it takes a lot to get me buggin'. Everything seems SO daunting. Not that I would say that I am "paralyzed by fear," I really will do anything but I will definetly be a little too worked up over it.

Take, for example, finances. I don't even remember checking my balance once when I was in H.S., and I call my bank to check my balance pretty much every time I go to the grocery store now. Not that Eddie doesn't do a great job of providing for me, I just think if I don't check my whole world will come crashing down on me. I did have a job in H.S. (riding horses!) but I really don't remember what I did with that money. Its gone. I must of spent it. I honestly believe I could have a million dollars and I still would have second thoughts about buying myself McDonalds. Who knows what will happen on the 21st of May, and I better be careful!

Maybe it's a control thing? Is that why I have NO TRUST that someone will be somewhere at a certain time? That must be why I have to worry about bringing stuff to do in case who knows what happens.

When did this happen? Poor Archie's mom is going to have a heart attack before...well, before too long. I need to learn that, honestly, what I do really doesn't change much anyways, and there is NO REASON to freak out. Maybe I should learn that being nervous won't change a thing, so why give myself an aneurysm in the mean time?

...Deap breaths...

Look at ME!

I did so good. Here is a before picture:


And AFTER!!!:


Who reupholstered our chairs blue? I did! All by myself. Also, who put a vase of very fake flowers on our table so it looks like we have it "together?" I did! Next time you think we have it together just remember, its probably fake.

Breatfeeding Cycles

I'll have one day where breastfeeding gives me some very negative emotions. I've heard how breastfeeding is suposed to release hormones in your body (I think endorphines) that are supposed to make the mother feel attached to her baby. So I know it does something to your hormones, and I believe its just doing the wrong thing! I don't know; some wires are crossed. Seriously, I get so angry. If there were toothpicks laying around to jam under your finger nails, I'd probably do it. Poor Eddie won't even be in the room with me, and, naturally, I usually pump and feed Archie a bottle because of course I don't want to have those feelings about anything he's doing. And so this is how my day will be with me finally yelling this: "EDDIE! I'M DONE! I hate breastfeeding and we're never having any more kids because I refuse to pay for formula." And I give him some already pumped milk from the fridge or freezer, and I go to bed. And the next morning I'm thinking "I can do this. I'm being dramatic. Breastfeeding is great. I can handle the pain." And the cycle begins again, with each progressive day I want to hurt myself more and more until I blow up again. Only to start the breastfeeding again the next day.

So "blow up day" was saturday. Guess whats happening right now? My nipples are being repetitively sucked through a tube and milk is being pulled out in the most unnatural manner. I'll show you a picture if you want to puke.

Anyways, saturday I decided that it was not worth it and knowing this cycle would start again Im trying very hard to not get sucked in. So here is my compromise: I will nurse Archie first thing in the morning and for his late night "dream feed." Thats when hes out of it and tired enough to just eat quietly and pleasantly. Then I will pump 1 time in the middle of the afternoon. Then if he's hungry at any other time (which he will be!) I'll just give him formula. I'm thinking that way my boobies will get a bit of a rest and not feel so overworked. Hopefully, that way, they won't hurt so darn bad all the time. And doing both won't be a problem for Archie. He'll eat whatever you put in his face. He really doesn't care.

Lets also talk about a pet peeve of mine: people saying they "can't" breastfeed. I think the number of people who actually can not is very low. Can't people just admit "I'm opting out." Because thats what I'm doing. Just sort of throwing in the towel. Sometimes I think "Archie is the best. He deserves the best." Then I realize he can really only have the best of one thing: the best most inexpensive milk or the best mommy, who doesn't have a breakdown each time hes hungry. And obviously I'm not going to be a perfect mommy, so I might as well do whatever I can to make myself better.

So as of now, thats what we're doing. Half and half. You just ask me in a couple days what we're doing. It will probably change.

Also, people, I'm not making any claims about the differences between breastmilk or formula. The main issue I've been struggling with is mainly financial. Also, a bit pride. We all know Bree doesn't do much, but what I do do, I finish. And my pregnancy and labor were so easy I feel like I need to deal with something that is bad. Hopefully I can stick with my program. Last night when it wasn't on my schedule to pump, I had to force myself not to because I know how it will end, and its not pretty.

Here are some Archie pictures, so everyone can see how perfect he is. He deserves a happy mom! And, yes, it does make me feel selfish. That, I am good at.

New Project

Eddie asked me to make him the star apron with matching gloves.

...pictures...

To say we are bored tonight is an understatement...
Fun with photobooth

Babywise, or Babyretarded?

First, I must say that I am so blessed with a very "easy," incredibly patient, so-cute-he-makes-everything-worth-it baby. I was all geared up to be up all night walking my kid all over the house until I could walk no more and then put him in the car to drive. Nope. None of that. Actually, I pretty much flat out refuse to stand up with my baby if that is what he'd like. Call me Rosa Parks...I expect to sit where and when I'd like. Not to mention he seemed to get it on the first night home that NO ONE MESSES WITH MY SLEEP, and if I don't want to be woken up, it usually takes some effort.

When I was expecting baby, I started getting educated in the raising of infants. I read 2 books. Thats enough, right? One was "The Secrets of the Baby Whisperer" by Tracy Hogg and the other was "On Becoming Babywise" by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam (funny that they are both guys). I started out trying the Baby Whiperer routine, but when questions arose and things got more complex, there just weren't enough resources. So, at about 1 month, Archie and I made the switch to Babywise. Didn't hurt that they are very similar concepts. But, even though it seems that there are lots more people around that implement Babywise and with the constant research I do on the Chronicles of a Babywise Mom blog (which is SO helpful!) I always seem to have some questions. Is there any one out there whos like a Babywise Pro, that I can bug with all sorts of silly questions? Like running errands with him asleep in the car seat...does that count as a nap really? And I think I'm doing it right, but should my baby really be sleeping this much (like mother, like son. He loves his sleep)? You know the people who like to tell you how to raise your kid...They think that its "unhealthy" to sleep this much. Wrong! Right? I need some reassurance that I am "on the right track."

Here is Archie's little routine that we aim for:

7:30 AM Up Feed
9:00 AM Nap
11:00 AM Feed
12:15 Nap
2:30 PM Feed
3:50 PM Nap
6:00 PM Feed
7:30 PM Bed
9:30 PM Feed (right to bed)
11:30 PM Feed (right to bed)
7:30 AM Up Feed

I understand that 7:30 AM is too early to wake up for most "normal" people, but I'm hoping he gets in the habit of getting up early because, although I don't take advantage of it myself, I feel like early morning time is a productive time to, say, go to the gym, take care of your chickens, finish projects...

Heres how lovely my Archie is.